The (un)officially, official THEME SONG of:

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abbott-costello

Hey, Tony? Yeah, Bob? I think my wife’s cheatin on me, Tony. Bob, you’re wife is not cheating on you. How do you know, Tony? How do you know? I just know it. I know Marther. I knew her before you did. She ain’t the cheatin type. She ain’t cheatin on you. But how can […]

I recently found out that another black guy in America was killed by a police officer. I know it happens a lot nowadays, but this was one of the few cases that was dragged into the international spotlight. And for good reason. The reason being, as you must well know by now, that the entire […]

So I went to a Disco Boogie Centre (otherwise known as a nightclub) on Saturday night, an activity in which I’ve not indulged for a few years. And something unexpected happened, something that wouldn’t have happened had I stayed at home: A random girl grabbed my arse. (Had I stayed at home the only girl […]

Imagine that your book is a person, just any old average Joe. Let’s call him Jeff. Jeff is by no means an unattractive guy, physically speaking. He has been pumping iron at the gym at least three times a week for two years now. He eats relatively well. He’s getting a lot of protein. He runs. He cycles. […]

You start out as a single spermatozoon, one among millions, and you’re shot out by the canon of some hairy man’s gonads, a man whom you’ll one day call dad. You, of course, have no choice in the matter. You’re the product, the seed, of someone else’s genome, a fleeting joy. No on chose you; […]

So, I broke my hand a few weeks ago. Which is why I haven’t done a post for… a few weeks. Typing with one hand and a single finger from the other (which causes me slight pain) is, quite frankly, a mild form of torture. I barely look at the screen when I write, being […]

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I slept in today. No, not because it was enjoyable; I’d rather not have. I slept in because I quite literally couldn’t get out of bed. The reason: dreams. Dreams were the reason I couldn’t get out of bed. A string of dreams that seemed to commence a few hours after I went to bed. […]

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I’ve got a few friends who – quite sillily, I reckon – think that not all drugs should be made legal. They think that illegal drugs should stay illegal, that there should be a divide wedged in between certain drugs, and certain others. In this post, I’m gonna play Mr Weird Myth Buster and offer […]

I’ll let you in on a little secret? (Yes. I will.) I have no idea what this post is going to be about. Truly, I don’t. I heard the words criticisms, witticisms, and potatoes, all float through my head in a single sentence, and decided that I should write a post with that title. What’ll […]

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I wish there was a word for this. A word to explain how utterly strange it is that the human, in order to stay alive, must constantly eat, pee, poo, sleep, rehydrate – and is, in most cases, perpetually driven to procreate, or at least imitate the feelings of procreation by way of indulging in […]

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For me regulars, I found a job a month or so back. Huzzah. It’s part time, and it essentially involves me blogging and writing promo materials for a company. So it’s pretty all right. But having been unemployed for so long, and having listened to people vomit great quantities of ignorant verbal diarrhoea regarding my […]

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Some might say that, according to nihilism’s own view of the world, nihilism itself, and all that it espouses, is meaningless.Nihilism is, after all, the idea that everything – every thought, every word, every idea, concept, finger, ant, child, mother and goat – is meaningless. Nihilism can’t therefore exclude itself from being caught in the […]

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I’m pretty bad at remembering people’s birthdays. Thanks to facebook though, I don’t need to. Facebook knows everyone’s birthday. In fact, Facebook likes to gloat about that fact, by notifying me when one of my friends’ birthdays is happening. It doesn’t provide this service for me exclusively, of course. Facebook makes it easy for Facebookers […]

God

Technially, I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in god. Unlike many atheists however, I don’t enjoy pasting this somewhat contrarian label – that of a non-believer – on my forehead. To me, the label is almost redundant. And it’s redundant because it is more misleading than it is telling. Some reckon the definition of atheist […]

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If you’re not on Facebook, and don’t know who Brandon, AKA HONY, AKA Humans of New York, is – let me fill you in. He is, or rather, his blog is, a, well, a blog, about… did ya guess it? Humans. Specifically, it’s about humans living in NY. It’s not about celebrities, or rich people […]

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I’ve made no effort to hide that I’m a big Brand fan. Actually, I’ve blatantly written posts, like, four of them, about my stalker-ish thumbs-up-ness for the ol’ Rusty Rockets. And it’s not just because we both share ridiculous hair styles, gorilla chests, and manic dispositions. The reason I like the fella is because he […]

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So I recently did a post about how irrationally sad I’ve become at Robin Williams’ death. Truth is, as stupid as it might seem, I’m still sad. Incredibly sad. And I don’t really have any reason to be sad, because although Robin Williams felt like a friend of mine (and of the world’s), he wasn’t. […]

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If you haven’t been on FB today, or on any other form of social media for that matter, you might not have heard that Robin Williams died today. And I, on learning of his death, I, someone who has never met the man, someone who has only known his person through a form of glowing […]

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Get up. Thoughts, the walls around me. The walls, thoughts. Gotta get up. Thoughts, not now. Thoughts, no. Get up. Breathe. Okay. Meander to the shower, eyes still opening. Get to shower. What’s needed? Towel. Check. Underwear. Check. Turn on tap. Get balance right. Too hot. Too cold. Need to get balance right. Wash hair. […]

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Found this in my drafts. Fuckin’ hell!  My insides feel like a desert. I am boiling sand. I am barren. I am a freezing night. I am alone in a dark tent, haunted by the demons of the Sahara, haunted by wandering stars – tormented by a night so bright it stings my eyes and […]

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So, I just moved apartments. And it wasn’t great. Not that moving is ever Great. For anyone. Who loves moving? My guess is that no one loves moving, because moving sucks. Even if you’re moving to a nicer place, in a nicer area, with nicer neighbours, having bought a nicer refrigerator – the ordeal of […]

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I wrote this story a little while back. I’ve had no luck placing it in literary journals (and I doubt that I ever will!) so I figured I’d slap it here, at the Weird. It’s weird. Enjoy. (Or so help me!) I didn’t even know that there was, that there is, something wrong. She told […]

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A couple of years ago I remember sitting next to these two girls at a Mexican fast-food restaurant. I was eating a burrito and flicking through the pages of something Dickensian. And eavesdropping. The girls were gossiping about one of their friends. I’m not one to eavesdrop – usually. It’s just that sometimes you can’t […]

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I’m a cynical kinda guy. I’ve been this way since I was born. Yep. I actually remember popping out of my mum, looking up at the doctor’s shadow obfuscating the bright light above and thinking, ‘Gee. What the fuck is this place? It’s horrible. I should’ve just stayed in there, as a non-thing, as some […]

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Am I an elf? Why are my fingers made of marshmallows? Holy shit. Am I turning into a squid? Nope, I’m still an elf. Thank god. For a second I thought I was turning into a squid. But my toes are still pointy and my fingers are green and spongy – definitely still an elf. […]