My parents found a lucent envelope a few days ago. In it was a short story that I must have written about 10-15 years ago. I can’t at all recall writing it, but there it was – probably a sixth or seventh grade English assignment.
I’m posting it here because I thought it was kind of funny; I really haven’t changed so much over the years. And, well, it’s a creepy sort of plot, and so it represents well the weirdness of humans, and the human imagination.
Please don’t be too harsh in your critique; my ten year old self was a sensitive little Nelly, and that ten year old still lives on within me . And remember: I was a mathematician; English was never my strong point.
I’ve kept the story true to how it was written. However, in translating it, I’m sure that I added a comma here or there out of habit; my bad. Anyway.
Here it is. The story of …
“Chris, how are ya?” I had just phoned my best friend Chris.
“Not bad,” he asked cautiously.
“Guess what I have to tell you.”
“What now?” Chris asked.
“I got invited to Frankenstein’s party!”
There was a long pause at the other end of the phone.
“Have you been drinking again?” He muttered.
“Na, I’m serious I have been,” I tried to sound sincere.
“Why did he invite you?” He asked
Well one day I was leaving the shopping centre as I saw this person without a head, so I went up to him and asked him what he was doing here. He told me that he lost his head as he left the shopping centre. I was very confused. He had no head and he was talking to me. I took a second look at the headless person he had two unscrewed bolts in his neck. I then saw a head rolling down the street so I picked it up and gave it to him. It was his head. He was very pleased to have his head back so he gave me two invitations to his party.
After I had told Chris the story of how I got the invitations he willingly accepted going with me. Around an hour later our transport THE HUNCH BACK FROM NOTRE DAMM came to escort us to the castle.
First we went pas the CEMETERY OF THE LIVING DEAD where we saw a lot of dead zombies, luckily my brain was to small to find or I would have been a dead man. We then passed the DEAD FOREST, I felt so depressed going through the dead forest, anyway. Grim reapers then harassed us going through DEATH VALEY, I would have taken them on but you know. The MUMMYS TOMB then stunned us, the glare nearly popped my eyes out, but it didn’t. I then saw a snake approaching me, I then realised that we were then passing snake pit. There were all kinds of snakes but one in particular that I didn’t like, the one that tried to bite me. SOUL SNATCHERS AVENUE was awaiting us; I was harassed by people offering three wishes for my soul. I was smart enough to refuse.
I was then grossed out in NOSE PICKERS LAND. People wanted to shake my hand I kindly refused. (I don’t know where those hands have been) we then approached NIGHTMARE ROAD where all of my nightmares were coming true. I was reliving my childhood nightmares and it was not pretty. Everywhere I looked I saw people running away from snakes, sharks, clowns, tigers and even some people running way from ugly people. Luckily, my nightmare wasn’t that painful, but it was very disgusting. I was eating a pack of Twisties, YUK! I was looking for my transport as I saw him running away from people throwing vegetables at him. That must have been his worst nightmare. I threw the twisty packet away, bashed the people that were throwing the vegetables at Chris. I wanted to get to the party. I looked in a mirror to see how my hair was as to my surprise my hair was a mess. That was it I had, had enough of these nightmares. They were really getting on my nerves. I jumped on the hunchback’s back and told him to go. He happily did. We had left nightmare road as I asked him how much longer until we got to Frankenstein’s castle as I found myself in the gloom of.
I hopped off the hunchback’s back as the butler approached me. The butler took my bags and started walking to the door, moaning. I asked him why he was moaning, “because you smell!” he replied, so I tripped him. We then entered FRANKENSTEIN’S THE DUNGEON OF DEMISE!
The room was dark and it had dead people everywhere. The dead people were in chains. As I went to look at the chains with no in the chains, I heard a voice, it was Frankenstein’s voice. He was calling me.
“Dinner is now being served.” he yelled.
I ran up the stairs, past the laboratory to the dinner table. The waiter then came to serve me. The foods were nearly as wired as the place was, but not quite as wired.
For the appetiser I ordered the snail tails. The waiter brought them to me, he brought the snails and then chopped off their tails right in front of me. It was revolting.
The tails were staring me right in the face. I built up all my strength, poked the slobbering tails with my fork, closed my eyes, opened my mouth and shoved the slimty tails into my mouth. I chewed and chewed and to my surprise they were quite nice.
In fact, they were the nicest things I had ever put in my mouth. I looked around for the waiter and to my astonishment I saw Chris just sitting there. He smiled at me and said,
“These live ants are nice,” I replied.
“How did you find your way here?”
He told me that he had been following me. That was good because I had forgotten about poor Chris, anyway. I called the waiter to ask when the entrees were coming. He replied sarcastically,
“When I bring them to you.”
I laughed, then I demanded the menu. He brought it to me. I ordered the regurgitated garlic bread. The waiter brought it to me with a smile on his face. I asked him what he was smiling at, he giggled,
“I farted, he he!” He then suddenly burst into tears. I wasn’t going to put up with that, I wanted my garlic bread. I walked up to him put the garlic bread in my hand, I then punched him in the face and said,
“That’s for keeping me waiting.”
I took my garlic bread to the table and started eating. I now wanted my main course but I had knocked the waiter out so there was no one to bring me the menu. I marched down to the kitchen and saw the chef. I politely asked him for the menu. He then angrily gave it to me. I angrily said,
“THANKS!”I browsed through all the foods on the menu finding the recycled rice. I told the waiter what I wanted. He then spat on the floor and said these funny words. I didn’t care if he put a curse on me as longas I got my recycled rice. He started making it. I waited in the kitchen for it. He then gave it to me. I happily skipped back to the table. I saw Chris sitting there with his eyes wide open and with a happy but devilish smile on his face. I called to him,
“Chris, Chris.” No answer. I then put my hand on his shoulder as he very slowly tumbled to the ground disintegrating and shrivelling into dust. I fell to the floor laughing my arse off.
I picked myself up still giggling then had a moment of silence for Chris. I went off back to my room. On the way back to my room the chef rudely stopped me and asked me if I wanted my recycled rice now. I told him that I didn’t feel like it anymore and that he could recycle it again. I went on my way, back to my room. As I approached my room I felt a cold shiver down my spine, I walked in and saw a see through object. It was a ghost. I screamed to the top of my lungs.
The ghost then spoke. His exact words were.
“I am Frankenstein’s great, great, great, great grandpa, Crankenstein. The family name was changed to Frankenstein when I died and I don’t like it. The reason I am here is because I am asking a favour of you. I need you to persuade Frankenstein that his name is Crankenstein. If you can do this I will reward you with forever happiness. but if you do not I will punish you with forever misery.
I made my way up to Frankenstein’s room to find myself ten steps away from forever happiness. I opened the door and saw Frankenstein. I explained to him what had happened. He hadn’t the slightest idea that that was true. He told me that he would change his name to Crankenstein but he couldn’t. I asked him why. He told me that the Frankenstein name was famous and people would not know him as Crankenstein and that it would ruin his reputation. Frankenstein then suddenly fell on the floor clenching his right shoulder. I asked him what was going on. He told me that he was having a heart attack and that he was going to die. He then shrivelled up with only ashes left. I went back to my room where Crankenstin still was. He asked me if I had done what was needed to be done. I then explained to him that Frankenstein had a heart attack and that he was dead. He offered me something that was not as good as forever happiness and that was not as bad as forever misery. It was to be Frankenstein but as the old name Crankenstein. I took a few minutes to think about it. I made one of the biggest choices I was ever going to make in my life and accepted his offer.
My choice turned out to be the best choice that I had ever made. Living my life as Crankenstein was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I had a lot more publicity and more importantly I had a castle. As for the Crankestein he could now rest in peace knowing that Crankenstein name would forever live on.