So, if you read this post, you’d know that I’m currently looking for jobs.
When I initially approached this job-hunting venture, I limited it to copywriting / content creation / social media managing positions. But after almost a month of trying, failing, trying, and failing some more – and a few quiet sobs into my sleeve – I’ve decided to broaden my job-search pool. And, despite that I promised myself I’d not get into sales again, I’ve included, within this newly formed ambit of employment potential, sales positions. Namely, retail fashion sales positions.
And frankly, to toot my own horn – toot, toot – that I’ve not yet had any interviews baffles me. Truly, it does. I don’t get it.
Why? Be fucking cause…
I started working in fashion retail during my first year at uni. I got lucky, and found a job almost within a month of looking, in spite of the fact that people told me it was nearly impossible to break into the fashion scene without any previous experience. Apparently my: “IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING… THIS IS SPARTA” attitude proved fruitful.
And so, given this point, the point that I’ve since then worked for many fashion retailers, for many years, including boutiques like Hugo Boss, Zara, and Tommy Hilfiger, I’m all like – what the fuck, man? You should be throwing a damned job at my feet. I have a fucking law degree, damn it. A law degree and four + years of fashion retail experience. Not to mention 5+ years of tennis coaching experience, and almost a year (accumulatively) of telemarketing experience. For fuck’s sake. I’m a sales professional. And I’m cute, in a longhaired, weird looking hippie dippie, hairy-hobbit kind of way.
Anyway, because I’m not the kind of guy to take things so seriously (I’m banking on that no potential retail employer will bother to peruse through this blog… if I’m wrong and you’re reading this, employer person… hi, and, umm, please don’t let this deter you) I thought I’d draft up a post of two emails I’ve responded with after receiving stock standard Your experience is excellent, but not what we’re currently looking for… blah, blah, blah (Bah!) rejection letters.
Here you go:
Dear Rejecter Number One,
I know that following up on an immediate rejection is considered eww, who wants that? But I can’t help but ask – did you actually read my resume or cover letter? Or was it a case of, “hmm, he’s a blogger, not a salesperson. Next.”
I’m just slightly perplexed at the immediate rejection, considering that I’ve over four years of varied fashion retail experience, including places like Hugo Boss and Tommy Hilfiger. [As you can see, I'm really drilling this point home].
Was it something I wrote? Didn’t like my blog? Were my glasses too blue? My head too big (perhaps figuratively as well as literally?)
Sorry to bother you and your surely busy schedule, but considering you’re a recruiter, potentially an ultra helpful and friendly recruiter, I thought I’d tempt my luck for any feedback that you might be willing to share – it’s tough out there, ya know?
And if not, well, carry on and discard this email as you would a banana peel.
Dear Rejecter Number Two,
Hmm, I see that you have rejected my offer to enlighten your client’s business with my whimsically natured, merry antics. Obviously, I think you’ve made a terrible, terrible decision.
You see, although you say I have an “excellent cover letter and valuable experience,” it’s quite obvious to me that you say this to everyone you reject. Do you know what gave it away? For one, your writing screams “TEMPLATE” AND FOR TWO…. woops, forgot to uncaps… and for two, you did a typo-woopsie; so even if your response wasn’t drawn with a standard template… I have nowhere to go with this – I just wanted to mention the typo. (NOTE: There’s also a typo in the advertised job description – interview me and I’ll tell you where).
Another thing, for future reference, please refrain from telling the people you’ve rejected, without probably even having looked at their cover letter or resume, “If our client decides to alter their selection criteria, we will be sure to contact you.”
Because you won’t. I know that. You know that. We all know that.
Why beat around the polite bush, simply for the sake of it? It’s about as much of a waste of both our time as is this email.
Anyway, I hope you have a great day. Despite having missed out on interviewing perhaps your most suitable, shining, gifted, and extremely humble candidate, I bear no hard feelings. That’s life. Sa la vie. Forget about it. Tomato, tomata.
Thanks (for crushing my dreams) for your time.
An obnoxious job seeker.
Humans-are-weird. Is obviously an expert at handling rejection.