My girlfriend and I often have farting competitions. Alas, in this hazy field of competitive farting, I always fall to second place.
Though my farts are loud, really loud, think AK-47 unloading at a barrel of fish type loud, the venom they bear is mild, without stench. My farts are all bark and no bite, so to speak. They fade into the ether as abruptly and speedily as they snap the silence.
My girlfriend on the other hand – gee whizz banana fizz. As a general rule, her farts are inaudible; they’re as stealthy as an expertly trained hit man. But boy oh boy do they pack a punch.
Unlike my timid, pale, light, wannabe nose-busters, my girlfriend’s come fully baked. And by fully baked, I mean they smell like the dead sort of flesh that one would expect to find festering in a secluded wardrobe of some horror movie. They’re thick and unmoving. Yes, they’re absolutely silent, but they’re stench is as potent as a King Cobra’s venom.
They’ll quite literally bring tears to your eyes. And for that, I’m so proud of her.
If you think about it, farts have a lot to say on the matter of life. They’re an unlikely and rather exceptional measure of the sorts of lives that we, the human, flatulent ones, lead.
Well, each of us cruises through life riding our own, unique wave (of stinky steam).
For instance, like my girlfriend’s farts, some of us are silent, but cause a stir. Some of us meander through life’s corridors in the shadows, but leave a mark, staining the fabric of society, you know? The quiet achievers. The recluse psychopaths.
Alternatively, some of us live lives according to the dynamic of my farts. We’re loud, obnoxious, and ostensibly, violent. However, after the stars fall heavy and the night turns bright, we’ll be found cowering in the corner, defeated and overcome, without a trace. Some of us are all bark and no bite, in our thoughts, in our actions – in our general way of things. Like thunder, we can be intimidating, but ultimately, our roar is harmless.
Further, some of us are a combination of these two personalities: We’re loud and boisterous, but we also pack a punch. We walk the talk we talk we walk. We don’t cruise through life, but instead, we run, jump, hop and skip through life, dragging as many people as possible into our carriage, and banging those unwilling to join in on the fun over the head with our hammer of self-righteousness. We’re loud, we’re proud, get used to it, or get out of our fucking way.
Or simply, some of us are silent, and without a sturdy framework. We come, we float by, silently, without heft, and mingle into the background, largely unnoticed, like a single ant strayed from the swarm.
Taking this deduction to the next level, just like some farts need to be pushed out; some people need motivating. Some people need to be constantly encouraged through life; some of us require a perpetual booster.
Alternatively, some of us are more than willing to seep into the cracks of society’s hustle and bustle. Some of us need no externally imposed fuel, and are driven by the flame burning within, willing and able to present ourselves in all situations, regardless of the time or place: the gate crashers, the industrious go getters, the un-self-conscious, the “never say never” types.
You see, you can learn a lot about life from observing different hues of fart, different patterns of flatulence. Although our farts mightn’t necessarily speak a great deal about our own personalities, they say a lot about the human lifestyle at large.
There’s a life lesson to be learnt at every bend, woven into every crook and corner – within every heavy or light, loud or silent gassy miasma.
You’ve just got to open your eyes, your heart, and your nose to see and smell what’s already there.
Humans-are-weird-farty-creatures. And this post is utterly ridiculous. Sorry.