chris24

For every positively fabulous thing that humans have ever done on this earth throughout history, there has always been – and will most certainly always be – an equally disastrous counterpart.

For instance:

Cure the common cold. Atom bomb.

Invent the plane. Crash it into a building.

Build up intricate, complex methods of communication. Tlk lyk dis.

Hamlet. The Secret.

Friends. Jersey Shore.

You get the idea.

However, one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is this long standing, natural human proclivity to procrastinate.

The story of “someday.”

Maybe change, "someday I'll travel the world" to "someday I'll wake up and open my eyes to the world I'm already in."  ?

Maybe change, “someday I’ll travel the world” to “someday I’ll wake up and open my eyes to the world I’m already in.” ?

Growing up, my parents had a philosophy that they themselves lived by puritanically. It’s not one, I don’t think, that they intentionally desired to imbue me with; but nevertheless, it was a way of thought that rubbed off on me. Kinda like a mosquito bug infects an unsuspecting traveller with malaria.

They taught me, through their actions that the day tomorrow will eventually come. And they taught me how to keep that day at arm’s length, at all times.

Some day, ma an’ pa each spoke, I’ll quit smoking.

Some day, we’ll renovate the downstairs.

Some day, we’ll travel the world.

Some day, I will read that book everyone’s been raving on about.

Someday, you, my son, will be a successful, rich, handsome, tall, man, who will change the world for the better.

Some. Fucking. Day.

First things first. Mum, dad, if either of you are reading this . . . hi! Please note that this is not really about you, per se, I’m just using you both as an example that a lot of people will probably be able to relate to. I could have used countless other objects of identification, but here we are.

Anyway.

Back to business.

Let me fill you in on a little secret, folks. Are you ready. Listen up.

Someday does not exist.

Someday is merely another way to say, “I like to comfort myself for my (self-perceived) shortcomings, and so, I contrive stories where the character I play will eventually fulfil all of my – ‘my’ meaning my very own – wildest dreams.”

It’s bullshit, folks.

There’s a funny story that my fifth grade teacher told me that, for whatever the reason, stuck to me closer than paint does to a wall.

It was this:

A man drove past a bar. Outside the bar this man saw a sign, reading, “FREE BEERS TOMORROW.” So the man made a mental note, and decided that tomorrow, he would drive back to that same bar to claim his free beers. The next day then, the man, jolly as a pedophile at a Wiggles concert (bad taste is my forte) jumped in his car, a smile beaming on his cheeks, and drove hastily to that bar (despite it being a Wednesday afternoon and his having successfully battled alcoholism for the past three years, five months, three days and twenty minutes).

Once he arrived at the bar, he walked inside, slammed his fist against the bar’s bench, and said, “barkeep? I’d like my free beers, please. Thank you, sir.”

The barkeep, who was drying off a tall beer glass with a ragged white towel, turned to the man, with a serious glint in ‘is eye, and said, in a matter of fact tone, “Sir, didn’t you read the sign out the front. Free beers are tomorrow. Come back then, ay?”

The man, confused, replied, “But I drove past yesterday. The sign was up yesterday. Tomorrow is the day after yesterday. Free beers are then today.”

???????????????????????????????

The barkeep, not batting an eye lid, still wiping down the dewy glass, repeated his previous statement, and turned around to serve another patron dealing with foreboding alcoholism; an Irishmen downing shots of tequila, to be precise.

The man then, scratching at his bald head, picked up his sunken spirits from the dirty floor, and decided that he would again try his luck tomorrow. And so he did. And so the same happened again.

He kept going to that same bar for three years.

And he never got a single free beer.

Point of the story:

Write that book. Kiss that loved one. Ask that person you’ve been stalking for five months out on a date. Tell Jenny that you love her. Tell Fred that he’s an ass-bag and you’ve hired a lawyer to take him for all his worth. Book that round the world trip. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Lick a “poisonous” toad. Try something different, like an orgy. Have sex with an orangutan, just to satisfy your curiosity. Hell, bang a warm apple pie, just like the movie American Pie said you should.

And do it right now! Yes! Now! Because you can! Damn it! Screw someday. Make that day, today.

Or, don’t. Whatever.

It’s not like I give a shit.

Probably a much better idea to simply stop beating yourself up and relax, just for once?

Someday, right?

Humans-are-dreamers. All dreams will eventually come to an end. And frankly, most aren’t worth the scurf off an ant’s back anyhow. 

In light of the newly fashioned popularity this post has elicited, I’ve written a short – rather harrowing, rather morbid – story on this topic. Check it out, if you can be assed: Where Sanity and Madness Meet - don’t delay, read today!

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Join the conversation! 211 Comments

  1. Love the tongue in cheek write up. Your metaphors had me rolling! :-D

    Reply
  2. I’ll read that story..someday! YEah I had to say that.

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  3. Loved it!! Haha. The comparisons u make and the examples u have – man I don’t know where u come up with these hilarious ideas!

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    • In order to come up with hilarious ideas, one must be clinically insane, or mentally unstable. It’s a blessing and a curse. And now, I’m also narcissistic for complimenting myself. Whatadayagonnado?

      Reply
  4. This whole idea of “someday” has been really forefront in my mind lately. I’m usually pretty good about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, but of course, that philosophy doesn’t apply to all parts of my life. I often put things off, mostly because I don’t want to hurt people or let them down. A friend of mine recently got a bleak cancer outlook, and the urgency of today has jumped back into my mind. Thank you for the story and the post, I saw this at exactly the right time.

    Reply
    • Glad to help. I guess. I don’t think I helped that much, sometimes, unfortunately, it’s tragedies that wake us up. My only advice to people is tell people you love that you love them, and tell them now. I could never live with myself should I make the mistake not to.

      Reply
  5. I checked it out! Where Sanity and Madness Meet – what a read! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  6. I was thrilled to see your unmistakable avatar on Freshly Pressed, and “hear” your unmistakable voice here. Awesome post, and congratulations!

    Reply
  7. I’ve got a husband whose got this tomorrow syndrome and it was kind of rubbing off on me..I just chanced to see this post ..lovely perspective..

    Reply
    • Show it to him. It will cure him. Promise. It will cost you three hundred dollars though. I’m a wizard, charlatan, and I can read minds, so I will know if you showed him, cured him, and didn’t send me three hundred dollars.

      Reply
  8. Funny stuff. Just found the blog through Freshly Pressed.

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  9. “scurf off an ant’s back?” LOVE IT! Great read!

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    • You love the scurf off ant’s backs? That’s gross. Just kidding. I knew what you meant. But if I were autistic, I’d probably have taken it that way. It’s nice to know I’m not autistic. I’ve enough mental problems to deal with. Umm. Oh, and thanks!

      Reply
  10. Right: pots of jam tomorrow , but never jam today .

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  11. Very entertaining post! But what the hell – a fifth grade teacher telling bar jokes?

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  12. I came for the free beer and instead I get a lecture.

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  13. I hope someday, I’ll be freshly pressed. Congratulations well deserved.

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    • I’m sure you will. Well, no I’m not; I’m not very sure of anything. But I am sure that things come when you least expect them. Both my FP posts caught me off guard, nice to be surprised me reckons. Yes. Nom nom nom.

      Reply
  14. I was just having this conversation the other day. Glad others see what I see. And Fred IS an ass-bag. Good of you to notice that as well.

    Reply
  15. Great post! So funny! I’d like to re-post this (with links back) on my blog, http://www.theblogbabe.com. Is that okay?

    Allison

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  16. Reblogged this on Confessions of an Organized Mess and commented:
    I found this very inspiring..

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  17. will i started reading ur post with a question mark half way hrough i got the picture and i cracked a side way smile as ” don’t till me i know sir ” …and then i got to the last tow lines …
    so was it an added benefit of the topic ??
    or was it ur goal all along ??

    yeah withe me being an – ass – i just let go of all what i’v red
    to haunt some subtle meaning in the article
    and u could hear my mined giggling in a family guy stewie- esque “oooooh this is the most brilliant way to advertise another article mahahahahaaaa ”
    but then i slapped my brain with a shoe of sens
    so i can write t o u and say what a gr8 blog u have
    and seriously congrats on the “friends-jersey shore ” part it was dead on lol

    lama

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    • I’m not sure I totally got your question(S) but to answer them anyway, yes, it was my goal. Relaxing about shit’s more important than being “productive” in my mind. Cause you kinda are more productive when you’re relaxed, and productivity is overrated anyhow! And thanks. Glad to make you giggle and gaggle and thanks for the praise and the raise in the haze! What a maze. WTF? Sorry, I just woke up.

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      • i was ging to make an awkward comment that starts and end with the formidable word “ok ” and leave it at that
        but ur far more interesting than my trolling behavior

        but for real this time

        yeah the thing bout my question(s) is the fact that i wrote them half asleep too @@
        so they were 1 part trool and 1 part rhetorical
        in the end really u didn’t have to go through the pain of explaining any thing
        i’m glad u did though it made things clearer
        thanx for the reply and u could check one my old posts

        it sings the same song u’v been singing but in different note i guess ” a deaf one at that ”
        http://inblackannwhite.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/sorting-my-life-out/

        and don’t worry if u don’t ge what i’m saying its just cuz i\m a bit weird
        @@

        Reply
  18. This is why I’m determined to travel now and not put it off until later—after I’ve “established myself.” Established myself for what? Death?? Great post! And a good reminder. I definitely procrastinate too much, though usually on doing things important, like my taxes. :D

    Reply
    • Yeah, I deferred my uni degree for a year to move to NY. Everyone usuallyl (my friends at least) wanted to wait until they finished their degrees and were somewhat established. But that’s how the whole trick begins. And then, you’re stuck in the ground like a tree in its soil. Nowhere to go but to work. Until. DEATH STRIKES. And the Reaper’s hand tap, tap, taps his bony, cold fingers on your already dead and soulless body. OUCH! Thanks, btw.

      Reply
      • SO TRUE!!! Good for you for moving to NY! I’m currently plotting my next move… Not sure where yet. But roots are a tragic thing. Especially when you’re young.

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  19. ‘Lick a “poisonous” toad’ is an excellent suggestion. I don’t think I’m in the mood for that right now though, maybe some day :P Thanks for providing my morning’s entertainment. Even your answers to comments have thoroughly amused me.

    Reply
    • Apparently it’s a lot more complicated than you would believe. Stick to mushrooms. Who said that? Not me. Drugs are bad, mmkay! Ahh, everything in moderation. And thanks. And yes, if you enjoy this, you’d have fun watching my daily banter with humans. The stares I get . . . I tell you what!

      Reply
  20. Absolutely love this. Particularly the joke about the Wiggles concert, haha. Anyways, you write very well!! Check out my blog http://readmoore.wordpress.com :)

    Reply
  21. I think sanity just met madness. I will tell Jenny I love her today, but I am going to pass on the orangatang thing, I can’t even spell it and someday, I will scroll back up to check the correct spelling but not today.

    One of lifes greatest procrastination techniques is “someday”, maybe you will inspire some to seize the day. Thanks for the fun read this morning and I really am going to tell Jenny I love her.

    Reply
    • This makes me very warm and tingly inside. Not because of the shining praise, but because of the love to be shared. I recently lost someone who was my dearest person throughout my whole life. It’s tough enough to deal with loss than to deal with it with regret. I probably wouldn’t be here if I regretted anything (I’m an exceptional, crazy-case, but point still stands). Show the love everyday and you’ll live a happy life.

      Reply
  22. oh come on, bad taste humour is the best!
    I had this syndrome bad and for some reason I woke up one day thinking, screw tomorrow, screw some day, we only have one shot at life, we have to make it… blah blah blah
    However, I could never articulate being against the some day syndrome without it sounding like a self help book :&
    So I really appreciate your post’s great message and lack of cheesyness :)

    Reply
    • I wrote a self-help book. Cause I fucken love cheese. Granted, the humour is very much the same, so hopefully it doesn’t sound like too much of a self-help book to those that read it; if anyone ever reads it, that is. But yeah, cheese and corn are sometimes right. Cliche’s are cliche for a reason. This modern day, satirical world is missing out on the dorkus malorkus shit. I keep forgetting this sometimes, but if you live each step looking over your shoulder and around your person, wondering whether or not you’re living life too cheesy-ish, then you never live at all. And thanks!

      Reply
  23. My name is Ruby. I am here and I am listening.

    https://rubyisalive.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  24. My Dad always told never to put off til tomorrow things I can do today, ’cause tomorrow never comes.
    It’s something I’ve always tried to love by. Great post :)

    Reply
  25. This was amazing, had me chuckling.
    Going to reblog, thanks for writing it and sharing.
    Brilliant

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  26. Reblogged this on Grizz-Tion and commented:
    Just wickedly apt

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  27. Lol!! You should read “The Humans” by Matt Haig. Your fifth grade teacher sounds well cool.

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  28. “jolly as a pedophile at a Wiggles concert” Brilliant.

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  29. hey! you’re funny. Come to think of it, I do not like posts that exhort me to get out and do things right away, cos it makes me terribly depressed thinking about all the stuff I want to do but cant.
    Now see i cannot possibly travel the world as I might run out of money, and when I do get back my three children may not recognize who I am. My wife will definitely find someone else, and in all probability it will be someone I really hate.
    So this grand idea of just getting out and doing what I really want may not really work out to plan. but thanks for reminding me what a terrible life I am having right now,
    Will follow you so I can depressed on a regular basis.

    Reply
  30. Very nice ..someday I hope to find time to read more of your stuff. Yep. Someday. Have a beer for me.

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  31. This post made me smile then go back to doing nothing and procrastinating…

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  32. Reblogged this on Streets of Love – unconventional and commented:
    Humans are Weird… That’s for sure!

    Reply
  33. Reblogged this on Becki's Book Blog and commented:
    I just fell in love with this post & had to share.

    Reply
  34. I’ve been trying to take GMAT. and dreaming of a successful career. But, Never started my preparations for that. Procrastinating has become my thing… Thanks for a kick on my lazy -dreamy Ass…

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    • Maybe the procrastinating is a sign that you don’t really want to take the gmat? I dunno. When I’m passionate about something, I get it done. I can’t help but not get it done. Law school wasn’t like that. A “career” wasn’t something I could get passionate about. I dunno. Tis your life, not mine.

      Reply
  35. I lived my life by grabbing it my the balls and making it take me skidding long past someday. Then bad things happened. The dreams I was so passionate about kicked me to the curb. So now someday I’m going to crawl back out of the pool of molasses in this cave and skate my way forward. My Dad was a huge someday fan, but his ticker stopped before he got there a few weeks ago, so maybe I should take that ask my kick in the pants to get back in the saddle (maybe my first mistake was trying to hang on by the balls). Good post.

    Reply
    • The death of a loved one will do that to you. Just had a similar thing happen. My someday nearly became no day, but, well, you’ve just got to do what you can with what you’ve got, I s’pose. And thanks. Hope someday comes quicker than later.

      Reply
  36. You made me laugh out loud! This shit is so true! Thank you.

    Reply
  37. Great stuff!! Well done and funny!!

    Reply
  38. [...] And don’t leave it until tomorrow. Cause tomorrow might literally never come. [...]

    Reply
  39. [...] Growing up, my parents had a philosophy that they themselves lived by puritanically. It’s not one, I don’t think, that they intentionally desired to imbue me with; but nevertheless, it was a way of thought that rubbed off on me. Kinda like a mosquito bug infects an unsuspecting traveler with…” read more [...]

    Reply
  40. 209 comments?! Christ. Better say something superb and worthy…

    This was good, and stuff.

    I missed reading you :)

    x

    Reply

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About Humans Are Weird

I live life on the edge. Because I'm constantly anxious. I'm following my dreams. Because they're so overbearing. I live life out of my comfort zone. Because I'm always uncomfortable. And so I write to express. I read to escape. And I'm eccentric because I know not another way. Namaste. And now must go. Huzzah.

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